The modern real programmer

This is adapted from an email from my friend Zyni, used with her permission. Don’t take it too seriously.

Real programmers do not write programs like this. If a real programmer has to deal with a collection of particles, they do not have some silly object which represents a particle, perhaps made up of other objects representing physical vectors, and then some array of pointers to these particle objects. That is a bourgeois fantasy and the people who do that will not long survive the revolution. They will die due to excessive pointer-chasing; many of them have already died of quiche.

Real programmers do today as they have always done: if they have some particles to simulate a galaxy they make an array of floating point numbers, in which the particles live.

This is how it has always been done, and how it always will be done, by people who care about performance.

And this is why Lisp is so superb. Because you can write this:

(for* ((i1 (in-particle-vector-indices pv))
       (i2 (in-particle-vector-indices pv i1)))
  (declare (type particle-vector-index i1 i2))
  (with-particle-at (i1 pv :name p1)
    (with-particle-at (i2 pv :name p2)
      (let/fpv ((rx (- p2-x p1-x))
                (ry ...)
                ...)
        ... compute interactions ...))))

And this is:

• very fast¹, because it all turns into optimized loops over suitable (simple-array double-float (*)) with no silly objects or consing;
• relatively easy for a human to read, since you can see, for instance what (for ((i (in-particle-vector-indices v))) ...) is doing and do not have to second-guess some idiot loop form which will be full of obscure bugs;
• quiche-compatible: you can easily write a function particle-at which will construct a particle object from a particle vector entry (such a function will later be excised as it has no callers, of course);
• perhaps most important it is possible for a program to take this code and to look at it and to say, ‘OK, this is an iteration over a particle vector – it is not some stupid hard-to-parse (loop for ... oh I have no idea what this is ...) as used by the quiche people, it is (for ((i (in-particle-vector-indices v))) ...) and it is very easy to see what this is – and there are things I can do with that’ and generate Fortran which can be easily (or, less difficultly — is ‘difficultly’ a word? English is so hard) be made to run well on proper machines with sensible numbers of processors.

And this is the thing they still do not see. You write your program which uses the only useful data structure, but you also write your program in a language you have built designed so that both a human and another program can understand it, and do useful things with it, because your program says what it means. Every construct in your program should be designed so that this other program can get semantic information from that construct to turn it into something else.

And this is why Lisp is so uniquely useful for real orogrammers. Lisp has only one interesting feature today: it is a language not for writing programs, but for writing languages.

That is what real programmers do: they build languages to solve their problems. The real programmer understands only two things:

• the only data structure worth knowing about is the array;
• her job as a programmer is to write languages which will make writing programs to manipulate arrays easy for a human to understand;
• and her other job is to write other programs which will take these programs and turn them into Fortran;
• and when that is done she can go and ride her lovely cob to the fair.

Real programmers also can count only to two.